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Hi, my name is Ellen. This is a picture of me
around the age I was assaulted by my grandfather. He told me we were going
to the store. He had a pickup truck. I don’t remember if we ever went to
the store, but I do remember so vividly, pulling off the road into the
woods.
I was sitting by the door on the passenger side when he turned the
ignition off, and asked me to move over in the truck and sit next to
him. Have you ever heard, read, or seen on television the story of someone who’s
been assaulted at a young age, and they are still very affected by what
happened to them so many years ago? I’ve heard it so many times.
"Forget about it, it’s done and over, you have everything you could
want, let it go!" Well, I want you to take a minute and think of
something that happened to you when you were growing up. Or to someone you
know. Maybe you wanted a new bike, and your sibling got one instead. That
would be an example of something that is really trivial in comparison to
being assaulted, wouldn’t you say? And yet when you’re sitting around
during family get-togethers, something comes up and you get irritated or
upset? Or one of your siblings or friends does? |
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picture of me at 5 or 6! Imagine in that truck, in the woods, with nobody
for miles around, and knowing, having this icky sick feeling in the pit of
my stomach, but having no choice but too do as he said. After I moved over
he did the unthinkable, unzipped his pants, and instructed me to put my
mouth over his penis, and further instructed me what to do. Then when I
was doing what he asked, he was silent. I remember scents, fear, shame,
and the sensation of gagging. He was moving with certain rhythm. Then he
pulled my face up slightly, and I saw white flowing out. I think I sat
straight up, with a horrified look on my face, I thought I hurt him, I
thought he was dying. He must have saw the look, and told me that what I
saw was just medicine that he was taking. He then told me it was our
secret. I was to tell no one. He said when we got back to his house, if I
said anything, he would tell everyone how bad I was, and they would all
get candy, but I would get nothing. And that when my parents came to pick
me up, he would tell them that I had been bad. He also took me to the
refrigerator and opened a bottle of medicine, (I think it was valium),
whatever it was, it was white, and he said that is what I had seen. From
that day forward, I believed I was bad. And I knew that what had happened,
and what I knew, was something I shouldn’t know. And throughout the
years it made me more aware of sexual things. And whatever normal thought
children have, who have never been assaulted, I will never know. What I do
know is that whatever thoughts I had, led me back to that experience, and
with the thought, shame, and the feeling of being and believing that I was
bad. My grandfather was an alcoholic, and would threaten my "Step-Grandma"
at times with a gun to her head. On this particular occasion, before my
father left, he sat with my mother and prayed, and they came across a
scripture that said, "Beware of a wolf in sheep’s clothing".
They then called a prayer chain, and my father left. Can you imagine how
we all felt, our father walking into a hostile situation like that?
Anyway, apparently my grandfather in his drunken state, confessed to my
father that he had done something to me. So…when my father came home,
and had a moment alone with my mother, he told her what my grandfather had
done. They asked me, and each of my siblings individually, if anything had
happened. I said, "No". Then they came back to me and said, it
was ok for me to tell, because my grandfather had confessed. So I said,
"Yep, ok, it happened." I was about 8 years old at the time.
They prayed with me, and told me it was not my fault. They did not
prosecute, because they felt we had been through enough. I respect their
decision. They did what they thought was best for us. We were never left
alone with him after that, and eventually he was not allowed in our home.
But do you know what, I never believed it wasn’t my fault! I believed
what my grandfather first told me, that I was bad. Why? Because who was
there to tell me that it wasn’t my fault in moments when I remembered?
Who could erase the shame, the guilt of keeping the secret, the icky
feeling I had when it happened, who could erase the imprint in my mind of
what I saw, or the feelings it brought back? It was all too vivid, the
feelings, the memory, that talking about it one time, telling me one time
it wasn’t my fault, couldn’t erase what had been going on inside me
from the day it happened. And it would continue to haunt me. Then at the
age of 14, after having been taught at home full time for 4 years, and
during that time before, I had begun to retreat, and withdraw. I felt
unloved by those around me and by God. At 14 I went into the public school
system, just for a couple of classes. I wasn’t in the school long enough
to get re-acquainted with old friends or make new ones. I was an outsider
and felt very much like one. But…there was a teacher who seemed
interested, who seemed to care about me. It seemed this teacher was more
interested in my well being than anyone around me. My family took a
vacation early in the school year, and when I came back, we were alone in
this teacher’s office, and he kissed me on the mouth. I was taken aback,
and he said, "I’m sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have done that. I’m
sorry if I made you uncomfortable, I sure wouldn’t want that." I
said it was ok, I was fine, don’t worry about it, or something like
that. And he said that was good, because if I were to say anything he
could get into serious trouble, and even lose his job. You see, he had
connected with me prior to this incident, so by making the statement that
he would get in trouble IF I SAID ANYTHING, put me in a bad spot, and he
knew he had connected, and I would not say anything. I was very shy, so he
wouldn’t make me play solo like he would everyone else. He would start
at the beginning of the row, get to me, start from the end of the row, and
skip me altogether. To me, that was a good thing, because I would get so
nervous playing alone, I’d completely mess up. He caught on to those
types of things, and used it to his advantage. So from there it progressed
to sexual assault a couple of times a week, throughout the entire school
year. As things progressed, he would say things like, "We’re both
in this together, if you ever tell you will be in as much trouble as
me." I was numb to some of it, but at the same time, my body
responded. It felt good to be held, to have someone tell me I was a good
person, that I was going to make it, that I would grow up, get married and
have a good life. Hmmmm…something wrong with that picture? You do not
forget these things, the manipulation, realizing later in life that it
wasn’t that he cared about you at all, he just used me to gratify
himself. A PEDOPHILE! He found out as much as he could about my personal
situation, and manipulated me with the information. It was the worst year
of my life. I wanted to feel loved and cared for by my family and by God,
and instead I felt more loved and cared for by a pedophile! Even though I
felt that icky feeling, it was covered over by things he did or said to
make me push that feeling aside, for the time I could be held, and feel
cared about. And as the year went on, I even believed I was special. But
when the year was over, I couldn’t cover, or believe what he said, when
that icky sick feeling that was under the surface, came to the surface. I
shoved it back down, eventually married, but things for me were not good.
That teacher became my nightmare. Even though I didn’t really realize at
the time what was part of the center of my nightmare, it became clearer
years later. When I didn’t want my husband to touch me, but I couldn’t
connect to why. And when I began to see the faces of those who abused me.
I was 2-3 years into counseling, when one day we went to a church for a
family event, and coming out of the parking lot was this teacher. It was
sometime before I realized the full impact of what and how it affected me.
When I looked back over my life it was very clear. I had just assumed this
teacher was long gone. He wasn’t listed in the phone book and I hadn’t
heard his name mentioned over the years. As I counseled, I began to stand
up for myself, and realize my worth as a person. I finally knew I was
strong enough to try and get this teacher out of the system, and I knew I
had to do it on my own, with God on my side. One day, while watching the
Oprah Winfrey Show, I heard her say something about, when things go on
around us that are wrong, and we stand by and do nothing, its like the
people who watched while 6 million Jews were killed, never standing up for
what was right. I talked with an attorney, who suggested I go to the
School District anonymously, until I knew their policy. I went in and told
my story. I was told I might as well stay anonymous unless I remembered
more, because it would be my word against his. I talked with different
sexual assault centers, but I was over 18, and they could not help me. I
hired a private detective, who gave me no more information than I had. She
was afraid of the Union, and backed off basically afraid they would come
after her and it would ruin her practice. Almost 2 years later, and
digging on my own, I found that a teacher’s file is public record. I
went back to the district, and asked for his file. The receptionist
basically laughed in my face, and said it was not available to the public.
I said it was my understanding that I had the right to his file. She went
back to talk with someone, and then said to me, that yes I could see the
file, but I needed to write a letter, or statement as to why I wanted to
see it and sign my name. I did just that. Then I mailed the letter back,
and they called me to set up an appointment. Well, I went in and sat down
with two people in the district, and they placed the file before me. I
asked if anything had been removed, and they said, yes a few personal
things. I said, "Well then it probably doesn’t pay for me to look
at this file, because the information I’m looking for is most likely not
inside." And then I said my full name, and said I had come in
anonymously a few years earlier trying to get this teacher out of the
system because he had sexually assaulted me. They told me to say no more,
until they got the superintendent, to listen to what I had to say. When we
were all seated, I proceeded to tell my story. The superintendent asked
what I would like accomplished. I said I wanted him fired, and his teacher’s
license revoked. They suspended him the next day. So basically two years
had gone by, with no action except that the first time I went to the
district anonymously, they said they would talk to this teacher, and of
course he denied everything. They assured me they would stay on top of
things, and inform the school liaison officer’s etc. The key, I learned
the second time by chance, was saying my full name.. By doing so, the
district had no choice but to do an investigation, unless I requested
anonymity. They did an investigation, and had a disciplinary meeting set
up. I was anxious but happy, because I had stated all along that I wanted
to confront him personally. Well, the district called and said something
personal had come up for this teacher, and they would get back to me in
two weeks. So this whole time I was preparing, thinking about what to say
etc., as it turned out the chicken resigned. I remember being so angry!
After everything he had done to me, and the effects it had had on me, he
didn’t have the guts to face me. Well, after going the second time, I
went to the police to see what could be done. Eventually a letter was sent
to students going back quite a few years. But by the time the City
Attorney’s, Police Department, and School District looked over it, there
was no way in my opinion that anyone would come forward. They took out his
name, the district and schools in which he worked, and even the years that
he worked. Then, with the police department, we made a phone call to him,
taping the conversation, hoping he would admit to more recent assaults.
The statue of limitations had run out because with the tape, we had a
solid case against him. That seemed to be the end of the rope. But
something inside wasn’t settled. I continued talking with my
psychologist, working through all the emotions of all that had taken
place. I decided it might be wise to let his wife know exactly who she was
married to. I worried that he might do something to his own child, or
maybe to family on one side or the other who had children, or friends with
children. I talked with all the right people, and legally, I could send a
letter. I felt I needed some spiritual insight, and talked with Pastor
Manns. I wasn’t writing this letter to be mean, or out of revenge, nor
did I go in pursuit of his teaching license out of revenge. My goal was,
and is to protect the children, who can’t protect themselves. I sent the
letter with as much info as I could. No response. I was disappointed, but
understood that women many times stay with a person, even when they know
the truth, because something in their life, maybe not wanting to be alone
etc., is so scary they are willing to stay. It’s unfortunate as adults,
that we do this. There is a book called, Protecting the Gift by Gaven De
Becker, and it said from the parent, being willing to know, acknowledge
and believe your child, is the best gift you can give your children. I
eventually went to this teacher’s house, not intending to. I happened to
be doing business on his side of town, and it was just like a voice inside
telling me "Go". It felt so right, and I wasn’t really too
nervous. I drove past one way, turned around pulled into his driveway,
knocked on the door, and there he stood. He was leery, but finally came
out. I confronted him, and told him that I was not responsible for the
consequences he faced. He had committed a crime, and if it were possible,
I would have him prosecuted. I asked him if he thought what he did was
wrong. He shook his head no. During the conversation, I asked him again.
He still said no. Even after telling him what a negative impact he had on
my life! I said to him, "Why couldn’t you just have listened to me,
believed in me, and left it at that?" Eventually, he said he thought
it was wrong, but I believe it was just to get me off his porch, and out
of his life. I don’t know what he does on a daily basis, but God knows.
Remember the scripture, that God said it would be better for you to have a
noose tied around your neck, and that you would be thrown into the sea,
then that you would hurt one of these, my little children? When I was
strong enough as an adult, (believe me, if you can’t become strong on
your own, seek help. If the first person you go to makes you
uncomfortable, go to someone else), I did what I could legally do. If I
ever hear anything about him, or think of some other action I can take, I
will. How you handle it is up to you. I told him when I confronted him
that I forgave him. That does not mean I turn a blind eye. It is not
necessary for everyone to confront their abuser. It just happened to be
necessary for me, to look him directly in the eye and tell him I wasn’t
responsible. I didn’t do anything wrong, because for me, by doing that
he can deny it to himself and anyone else he wants to, but he knows that I
don’t buy into it! Sharing my story with people in my life, breaking the
silence, indeed takes the power away from the abuser, and gives it back to
you! I think one of the biggest and most important things in my recovery,
was going back in my mind to the age these things happened to me. And that
is one reason I feel this book and packet is such an important and
positive step, because it takes you back, and helps you look at the
incident through the eyes of a child, instead of as an adult. And maybe it
will help those who haven’t been abused, to understand those of us who
have. Never take for granted the life of your child. Be wary of those
around you. If you are suspicious of someone, go with your gut, for the
well being of the gift God gave you. It is extremely unlikely that a
pedophile will change his behavior. But even if he should, there are
consequences to what he did, and one is that you never take a chance with
your child. Don’t give the abuser the benefit of the doubt. DON’T TAKE
A CHANCE WITH YOUR CHILD! There is a book I have been reading lately,
called Simple Abundance, A Daybook of Comfort and Joy. Author, Sarah Ban
Breathnach. There is a quote in the book, by Brenda Ueland, to remind us
that ""ince you are like no other being ever created since the
beginning of time, you are incomparable." It has become a favorite of
mine. Just think, no one else can fill our shoes. If God created me, and
no one else like me, there must be a purpose for my being here. I think
there is a scripture in the Bible that says, the rain comes on the good
and bad, and the sun shines on the good and bad. We can’t control what
others do to us. But at sometime, we become responsible for our own lives.
And God does not come down and wave a magic wand around taking away the
pain of our past experiences, we must work through these things, and that
takes a lot of work on our part. And I don’t believe the pain ever
really goes away. But we learn to handle it and understand it, and God is
there every step of the way. But like it or not, we have to take action,
and do whatever it is we need to do, to work through our anger, our
sadness, all the feelings that come from what we experienced. And that’s
how it is in life. Unfair and cruel life can be, because God gave each of
us a free will. God did not do these things to me. Men, of their own free
will chose to do what they did, evil or good. We each choose. It does not
matter if we see justice done here on earth, because God will see to it
that justice is done in eternity. We just pass through this life for a
short time, but eternity will follow. And God will see that justice is
done to those who have hurt one of his little children. |
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CHECK
STATUE OF LIMITATIONS |
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Also a case in Wisconsin, with approximate same
amount of time, from incident, to the time this woman prosecuted. And they
were going to prosecute and go to trial. Since I’m from Wisconsin, and
knowing I couldn’t prosecute because the statute of limitations had run
out. I wondered how she could-so I called the district attorney from that
city, and found out that if the person who committed the crime, leaves the
state before the statute of limitations is up. The clock stops running. So
in her case, this guy left the state for like 20 years or so, and then
moved back. She found out, and still had time to prosecute, because the
clock didn’t tick until he moved back to Wisconsin!
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