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With it He touched my mouth and said, "See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for."
Isaiah 6:7
Tammy Miller
Schultz, ask
and the guilt is taken away |
I have never had to face an addiction or severe illness… growing up, we always seemed to have enough money for what we needed, and I have never felt mistreated nor "punished" because I am a woman. After reading several of the other D.I.V.A. stories, I am not sure that my story is worthy of being published on this Web site. But here it goes anyway.
I grow up in Western New York (near Rochester, about 7 hours northwest of New York City) in a very rural area. (The county I lived in had more cows then people). We lived on a farm and I learned early the meaning of hard work and not waiting until tomorrow to do what should be done today (hope that is not too much of a cliche). My parents provided a good place to grow up, though I didn't always agree with them. I tended to be strong minded and always thought I should be able to do what I wanted when I wanted.
At age 15 and 9 months (3 more months till 16 and a drivers license!) my parents separated and eventually divorced. I found this to be very hard and ended up taking 35 aspirins. It was because my sister dared me to, but I think it was for attention as well.
Jumping ahead five years - I married a nice guy who on the day we returned from our honeymoon put me in dept by $5,000. (He had bills he never told me about). Well, after 11 years of broken promises and a lack of ambition, I left him. I came to realize I never really loved him, not the way a wife should love her husband.
During the time I was married I started spending more and more time with my Grandparents. Would play golf, clean their houses and take them to appointments. Though I loved it and was glad that I could do it for them, I didn't feel like I was living my life, growing my skills and business. But they come to rely on me so much I didn't have the heart to pull back.
I was also experimenting with the Internet and found a chat room that I spent a lot of time in. During one of those times I met Mike. We were both dealing with a bad marriage and divorce and were happy to have someone to talk to. Our relationship grow from friendship to a love affair (which I am happy to say, lives on today!). After meeting a few times and talking for many hours, we decided we wanted to be together. After looking at all the options we decided it was best if I moved to Wisconsin, 750 miles away from my family.
Though I wanted to be with Mike, leaving NY was the hardest thing I think I have ever done. I felt so guilty about leaving my family and especially my grandparents. I would spend a lot of time crying and agonizing about my decision. Wondering if they were ok and how could I leave them? God had given a husband who, though I didn't love him, did provide for me and allowed me to spend
time with my Grandparents. And what did I do? I tossed it right in
His face and did what I wanted to do.
I have always believed in God and would spend hours in my room listening to Christian records. I always thought I had a good relationship with God as he had always been there for me. And then I do this to
His plans! I suffered with the guilt for several months. Finally God pushed me to go find a church. I went to a couple before I found one that felt right. I attended a few times and other then to increase my guilt and my tears, I never got anything out of it. So I stopped going. Then, one Sunday I had a very strong urge to get up and go. So I went. It was communion. I had not taken communion for a long time, so I did,
and in doing so, I thanked God for the gifts I was receiving and then I asked him to release the guilt I was feeling. And you know what? He did! Right then and there. I am still amazed when I think about it how I felt
as the weight was being lifted off of my shoulders. I cried right there in front of everyone! Had the urge to run from the church, but stayed till the service was over and then ran. Cried all the way home. But I felt so relieved, so forgiven, and a lot less guilty.
Today, Mike and I run a successful Web site design and marketing firm, Virtualtech, and are able to make trips back to NY about every six weeks. God has become a part of both of our lives and our business and
He continues to bless us everyday. Though I still miss New
York and my family, I feel good about my decision to move here and I know that I am once again following the path
God has set for me. |
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